Rantings of an Insane Girl

{Tuesday, 1 January 2013}   Welcome to the New World!

Ok, effort number 6,656,640 to actually use this sucker. Downloaded Chronicle today (a daily journal app). Apparently I can export to an HTML file. Not exactly sure if it will let me upload to WP, but we can try it. Gonna attempt to kick that Gratitude Challenge in the ass again. And maybe the music challenge, too.

In any case (*shameless plug*), come follow my tumblr as I am exponentially more active over there. tumblr[dot]com/dirtycharmed


{Monday, 13 February 2012}   Yup…still blog absent…

Oi, I swear I started the blog with the intention of using it. Maybe with all the new life stuff going on I’ll finally get rolling on it. Maybe I’ll just set an alarm on my phone to blog once a day and hope it annoys me into the habit of using it. For now, I will try to keep up on the blog with what I’m already doing on Facebook, the 30 Day Music Challenge…which I’m already a day behind on because I was on the train yesterday and didn’t post a song before I left. I’m going to backdate all the posts, so it might look a little funky, but at least the times will be right.

So…life stuff…boyfriend left for Afghanistan on Thursday. Moving to North Carolina in May. Trying to not kill myself over medical issues and money issues and…well just issues. Gonna try to start back up with the Gratitude Challenge again. Maybe it will remind me of all the reasons I just need to chill the eff out.

On to the music & gratitude…

{Wednesday, 4 August 2010}   Finding Purpose

Well, the resolution to blog more didn’t work very well, but with no real purpose other than keeping a public diary, there’s no consistant desire to keep a blog. So my new goal for this blog is to find an actual purpose for it, other than just being randomness in cyberspace. And to actually complete the Gratitude Challenge, now that I have time for it. Here goes nothing.


{Sunday, 27 December 2009}   Bah! I have to blog more!

Ok, so I started blogging to actually do something with my time and then I got so busy I can never seem to actually blog. What’s that about? So one of my New Year Resolutions is going to be to blog more. At least more that this once every couple months crap I’ve been doing. Hopefully this quarters 25 credits won’t completely kill my blogging ability. So now that I’m having the worst time actually blogging stuff EVER, I’ve been thinking about starting a milBlog about going through the whole enlistment process. Hmmm…maybe I’ll save that until after Japan.

Anyway, so here’s what’s up for my new year. Taking 25 credits (yes, a double full-time load) this quarter to finish my actual Associates of Arts degree requirements, which means…yes it’s true…I’m finally graduating! I will officially be a college graduate as of March 24th. Provided I pass all of my classes, of course. Currently waiting for a guy to call me back to come check out the house to possibly be a roommate. Hopefully I’ll start getting more calls, because as of Feb, I have to start coming up with rent money on top of bills and that’s going to squeeze my budget HARD. While I’m finishing up all of my EWU paperwork (all but guaranteed acceptance to the college) I’m also looking into their study abroad programs so I can try to get to Japan for at least a few weeks this summer. Hopefully I can actually get there. I’ve been hearing of great short stay programs, but I don’t have the 2-3 thousand dollars to pay for them. So maybe I can get financial aid to actually go over the summer term. Fingers crossed. Other than that it’s the same school, homework, music and what friends I can make time for. Hopefully I can make a little more time for fun in the near future!

Ok, signing off for now, y’all!

{Monday, 13 October 2008}   Exanimate

ex·an·i·mate [eg-zan-uh-mit, -meyt, ek-san-]
1. inanimate or lifeless.

2. spiritless; disheartened.

I don’t know why I’ve been so listless and exanimate lately. I know the depression is starting to come back. I’m watching myself beat the crap out of Jeremy for absolutely nothing. Right now, I should be at school, but I skipped my first class and I’m finding it hard to motivate myself to go to my next one. I have no interest in school. I have no interest in anything, except Jeremy. Even when I’m being an ass and just being a big stupid ball of emotions he’s there for me. Even if he’s the one I’m aiming spikes at, he doesn’t just walk away from me and let me ‘deal with it’ before he comes back. He has no idea how much I appreciate that and how much I need that.

Jeremy is just the greatest man I’ve ever known. Yes, knowing him and loving him brings a lot of stress from kids and the ex and just everything, but he is just so worth it, and more. I know I fall in love easily and I’m still fighting all those stupid thoughts I get when I’m depressed like this, but if I could have him forever, I’d keep him. Even if that’s only as a friend.

School is…interesting. I didn’t do anything I was supposed to over the summer, so my piano playing is disgusting, and I’m not keeping up on my theory, so even the review stuff is kicking my ass. I know I want to do music, because I don’t want to do anything else, but it’s just so hard, and I’m just not interested in the higher level theory. I know I need to be, because even as a piano teacher, I need to be able to explain all of this to my students and tell them what modulation is and why it happens, but I just don’t CARE. I think a lot of it is depression and some of it is coming from Theory getting harder than I wanted it to be. This is music. It was supposed to be easy. I want to do more with the music…get back into playing my saxophone and pick up the violin, but how am I supposed to do that when I can’t even play the one instrument I’m already trying to learn.

My sleep and diet sucks. I probably slept close to 10 hours last night, after I went back to sleep and slept through Theory. I’m eating sugar puffs and a chocolate chunk cookie for breakfast and I haven’t showered yet. My house is ridiculously trashed for no reason other than I haven’t used the time I’ve had to clean it up and I don’t care about it because I don’t want to live here any more. I want to be with Jeremy and at this point, I think I’m willing to move out to Coulee to do it. But that means have my mom freaking out at me because I’m under lease until February, I’d probably have to drop out of school because of gas costs, and then my mom would REALLY freak. Fuck. I just don’t know what to do here…

{Sunday, 12 October 2008}   I iz an author!

I am now officially an author for the SoBold.net women’s issues blog, conceptualized and created by my awesome friend Brandi.  I will try and figure out how to get RSS feeds to my blog, but as most of you know, I have no idea how to work this blog, much less the one that Brandi created the site on.  So hopefully that will go up, but I wouldn’t expect much.

{Friday, 15 August 2008}   The lake, pizza and…dead bodies?!

Seriously, y’all.  Why does all the weird shit happen to me?  I came out to Electric City to see my boyfriend, and spend a little time with his youngest two kids before they go back to Tacoma for the year.  Totally great time.  I only hope that anything I birth comes out half as well behaved as J’s kids.  Side trip to Euphrata to hit Wally-World for Bug’s school supplies…fun stuff.  Got to hit the lake yesterday with J before he had to get to work.  SO glad I brought my swimming suit…it’s in the 100’s out here.  Dinner yesterday was from this totally cute new pizza place up here.  Decent pizza.  Crust could use some work, but the toppings are totally worth it, and it’s cheap.  Took one to J at work so he’d have something other than stew for once.  And then J wakes me up this morning when he got home (he’s so sweet), so he could let me know he wasn’t coming to bed right away.  Cause he had to wait for his dad.  The cop.  Cause his neighbor decided a .45 revolver sounded like a good breakfast cereal.  WTF?!
A) How did I not hear that?  Windows open, loud ass gun, Erin…totally passed the fuck out.  Good thing the house didn’t get robbed.
WHAT THE FUCK?!  There are like TWELVE people in this town and the NEIGHBOR eats his gun?
Oh, and better part…J, the wonderful criminal justice major that he is…didn’t think the scene looked kosher.  GREAT!  And not that I disagreed with him after he told me what he thought (god I read too many forensics journals), but damnit!  Why me?!

{Saturday, 2 August 2008}   What a difference a year makes

I can’t believe the incredible amount of things that have happened in the past year.  This time last year, I was happily married having just celebrated my 1st anniversary with my husband, was working at a decent receptionist job with a really good friend of mine and doing some very difficult and amazing things with school.

Since this day last year, I have switched majors, found some very awesome new friends, become happily divorced, met the most wonderful man I have ever known, been to New York City, and performed professionally at Carnegie Hall under a world famous conductor.

Everything I’ve gone through lately just reminds me of how stupid crap in life can make you feel really weak and worthless, but when you actually take a really good look back on what you’ve accomplished in your life, or even just what’s happened in the last 365 days, you can find a ton of things that make you realize you were stronger than you ever thought you could be.  Sometimes you realize you were even stronger than you thought you were at the time you were going through it.

So just me, being my existential self…

{Wednesday, 30 July 2008}   I feel pretty…oh so pretty…

Wow, so the last couple of weeks has been incredible.  I decided to sign up for a dating site and after seriously, 3 days, I found the most incredible guy.  His name is Jeremy and with the exception of responsibilities, we’ve been pretty much conjoined at the hip for 2 weeks.  He has 3 really adorable, smart and wonderful kids, who don’t seem to hate me , and he has just made the last couple weeks the most wonderful adventure.  He’s an absolute sweetheart, and he treats me better than, probably any other guy I’ve dated ever has.  Now if I could just get him to discover the part of the store that sells more than jeans and T-Shirts.  LOL

It’s really weird to have a really strong connection like we have after such a short period time, but it’s just amazing.  I really couldn’t have asked for a more caring, intelligent and amazing guy.  Definately keeping this one around for a long time if I have anything to say about it.

Much Love & Later Dayz


{Saturday, 28 June 2008}   I’m alive…sorta

So…my 3 day jaunt to the parental units’ house ended up being a two-week long vacation with pretty much my whole family.  Got to finally see my cousin Nate’s two kids, because he just moved back to Havre.  Saw other cousin’s, random family, etc.  My mom is coming up in a couple days to help me organize my apartment, since I moved like 4 months ago and half my life is still in a box.  Oh yeah, and I’m not doing summer session.  LOLS.  After 6 straight quarters, I think I deserve a little break and some warm weather play time.  But I had fun, and now I’m back, and now I have to find a job…anybody have any suggestions that don’t include the words graveyard or fast food?

et cetera