Rantings of an Insane Girl

{Monday, 13 October 2008}   Exanimate

ex·an·i·mate [eg-zan-uh-mit, -meyt, ek-san-]
1. inanimate or lifeless.

2. spiritless; disheartened.

I don’t know why I’ve been so listless and exanimate lately. I know the depression is starting to come back. I’m watching myself beat the crap out of Jeremy for absolutely nothing. Right now, I should be at school, but I skipped my first class and I’m finding it hard to motivate myself to go to my next one. I have no interest in school. I have no interest in anything, except Jeremy. Even when I’m being an ass and just being a big stupid ball of emotions he’s there for me. Even if he’s the one I’m aiming spikes at, he doesn’t just walk away from me and let me ‘deal with it’ before he comes back. He has no idea how much I appreciate that and how much I need that.

Jeremy is just the greatest man I’ve ever known. Yes, knowing him and loving him brings a lot of stress from kids and the ex and just everything, but he is just so worth it, and more. I know I fall in love easily and I’m still fighting all those stupid thoughts I get when I’m depressed like this, but if I could have him forever, I’d keep him. Even if that’s only as a friend.

School is…interesting. I didn’t do anything I was supposed to over the summer, so my piano playing is disgusting, and I’m not keeping up on my theory, so even the review stuff is kicking my ass. I know I want to do music, because I don’t want to do anything else, but it’s just so hard, and I’m just not interested in the higher level theory. I know I need to be, because even as a piano teacher, I need to be able to explain all of this to my students and tell them what modulation is and why it happens, but I just don’t CARE. I think a lot of it is depression and some of it is coming from Theory getting harder than I wanted it to be. This is music. It was supposed to be easy. I want to do more with the music…get back into playing my saxophone and pick up the violin, but how am I supposed to do that when I can’t even play the one instrument I’m already trying to learn.

My sleep and diet sucks. I probably slept close to 10 hours last night, after I went back to sleep and slept through Theory. I’m eating sugar puffs and a chocolate chunk cookie for breakfast and I haven’t showered yet. My house is ridiculously trashed for no reason other than I haven’t used the time I’ve had to clean it up and I don’t care about it because I don’t want to live here any more. I want to be with Jeremy and at this point, I think I’m willing to move out to Coulee to do it. But that means have my mom freaking out at me because I’m under lease until February, I’d probably have to drop out of school because of gas costs, and then my mom would REALLY freak. Fuck. I just don’t know what to do here…

et cetera