Rantings of an Insane Girl

{Sunday, 30 August 2009}   Finally doing something with my blog

So now that I’ve got less than zero time and I’m adding more things to do, I’m going to actually make it a goal to write in my blog more than once a year! Yay me!

So now begins the journey to being a soldier in the Army. Well…actually it started last Friday when I showed up at PT with SSG S., and really it stared several weeks ago when I started looking for a recruiter to talk to, but it’s not official until I blog about it, right? 😉 Fortunately, I have a great wealth of information in SGT Marey (my recruiter) and Jeremy. I’ve also found a ton of information on ArmyStudyGuide.com about the weekly schedule for BCT, so I should be well prepared. At least, as prepared as I possibly can be.

Now that I’m actually doing PT and my mom has started seeing progress toward goal, she’s starting the requisite parental freak-out. Now, if only I could see some progress in the weight department it might not seem like such a steep climb to next summer. Hopefully getting out to PT for the rest of the summer, and through the year with the SSG, will keep me going towards where I need to be.

I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to school. A few more classes and I’m done. I’m throwing in a year of Theory and Japanese just to have some credits for the whole year and to get some things under my belt to prep for Eastern. Gotta remember to fill out that application so I can get it in early. Don’t want to wait until the last minute and risk not getting in for Fall.

Thanks for checking the random ramblings. Love to all!

{Monday, 13 October 2008}   Exanimate

ex·an·i·mate [eg-zan-uh-mit, -meyt, ek-san-]
1. inanimate or lifeless.

2. spiritless; disheartened.

I don’t know why I’ve been so listless and exanimate lately. I know the depression is starting to come back. I’m watching myself beat the crap out of Jeremy for absolutely nothing. Right now, I should be at school, but I skipped my first class and I’m finding it hard to motivate myself to go to my next one. I have no interest in school. I have no interest in anything, except Jeremy. Even when I’m being an ass and just being a big stupid ball of emotions he’s there for me. Even if he’s the one I’m aiming spikes at, he doesn’t just walk away from me and let me ‘deal with it’ before he comes back. He has no idea how much I appreciate that and how much I need that.

Jeremy is just the greatest man I’ve ever known. Yes, knowing him and loving him brings a lot of stress from kids and the ex and just everything, but he is just so worth it, and more. I know I fall in love easily and I’m still fighting all those stupid thoughts I get when I’m depressed like this, but if I could have him forever, I’d keep him. Even if that’s only as a friend.

School is…interesting. I didn’t do anything I was supposed to over the summer, so my piano playing is disgusting, and I’m not keeping up on my theory, so even the review stuff is kicking my ass. I know I want to do music, because I don’t want to do anything else, but it’s just so hard, and I’m just not interested in the higher level theory. I know I need to be, because even as a piano teacher, I need to be able to explain all of this to my students and tell them what modulation is and why it happens, but I just don’t CARE. I think a lot of it is depression and some of it is coming from Theory getting harder than I wanted it to be. This is music. It was supposed to be easy. I want to do more with the music…get back into playing my saxophone and pick up the violin, but how am I supposed to do that when I can’t even play the one instrument I’m already trying to learn.

My sleep and diet sucks. I probably slept close to 10 hours last night, after I went back to sleep and slept through Theory. I’m eating sugar puffs and a chocolate chunk cookie for breakfast and I haven’t showered yet. My house is ridiculously trashed for no reason other than I haven’t used the time I’ve had to clean it up and I don’t care about it because I don’t want to live here any more. I want to be with Jeremy and at this point, I think I’m willing to move out to Coulee to do it. But that means have my mom freaking out at me because I’m under lease until February, I’d probably have to drop out of school because of gas costs, and then my mom would REALLY freak. Fuck. I just don’t know what to do here…

et cetera